A response to fear

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on fear. The gripping hold that danger, threats and pain cause that can leave people hopeless and faithless.

It may come with living in one of the most dangerous cities in the second most dangerous country in the world (Based on the U.N. statistics of number of homicides per capita. Second this year to El Salvador). For a long time living here in La Ceiba I was a prisoner to this fear. I was afraid to go outside alone, I wouldn’t look people directly in the eye, and any time a comment was made to me I would put my head down and walk faster. I let myself be consumed by this fear that I was in a dangerous place. The longer I’ve lived here and the more I’ve gotten to know the people in this city I’ve realized how foolish this is. Now, I want to clarify that there is a difference between fearing and being safe. I still don’t walk too far by myself and I certainly avoid certain types of people, but I don’t allow my fear to stop me from greeting the sweet old ladies that pass me or from looking people in the eye when I pass them to say “buenas”. The fear that is generated in this country is due to murder. I read about it everyday in the newspaper. Drug lords, gangs and people seeking revenge. It’s all known. There is a reason for the majority of the killings. (I’m not saying a justified reason at all, but there is a clear reason that you can point to and say ‘that’s why’) A homeless man is hungry and steals your wallet; a kid snuck out late at night and accidentally ran into a drug deal; another man stole your ‘woman’. As long as I am using common sense and following safety guidelines, the worst that might happen is someone takes my purse and make off with the $5 I have on me at the time.
To be honest, the fear that has been generated in me since being here is not for myself, but for my loved ones back home. I have nothing to fear… I know where the danger, threats and pain are coming from and I can avoid them. I’ve only been in this city 5 months but there have been mass killings in and elementary school, bombs exploding at a marathon, and threats of nuclear war. Every September 11 we hold our breath hoping that there will not be a repeat. The fear generated there is unknown, and makes having faith so much more difficult. The ‘why’ is not answered.

I made a list a few months back of the different ‘dangers’ that are in both countries, and this is what I came up with:

Honduras:                                                                  U.S.
            Dealing drugs- not consuming                       Drugs (consuming)

Murder/deceit                                                 Deceit

Poverty                                                           Spiritual poverty

Discrimination against women                       Discrimination

                                                                                   Over stimulation:(tuned out by ‘tuning in’)

At least I can see the dangers in Honduras. They are in the open. There are gangs and drug lords not because people HERE are consuming the drugs but because people in the States are. There is an open distrust in the government here. It’s known that they are corrupt. There’s poverty everywhere, but there is also generosity everywhere. I have yet to step into one of the homes (mud shacks) of our neighbors here without them offering the last of what’s in the refrigerator… without them spending the little money they have to go buy ME a soda. There is faith in this country that even if they don’t have everything they need, there will be someone to help them. I can’t say that’s a hope I necessarily have in the States. And through it all they have faith the God will be there. They trust that He is protecting them, that He is stronger than the fear, that His perfect love casts out the fear. The dangers help them to love more, and help them to cast out the fear that there is.
If I don’t know about the dangers in the U.S., who am I turning to? And once I do see danger, what is my first response? To find someone to blame. Terrorists, the government, mental facilities being shut down.
I know my fear MUST cease. I know my Faith MUST increase, but I also knows my eyes must be opened to the dangers in my own country.

It’s saying something when I feel safer in Honduras than I do in the U.S.

I’m praying today for all those affected by the Boston bombs. I’m praying for all those affected by the shootings. I’m praying that our eyes might be opened and we might be allow Love to cast out our fear. That that fear might not be turned into hate and therefore generate more fear, but we might allow Love to conquer all.

My "job"

This is a difficult job. It is difficult mostly because it is not a job. It’s a lifestyle. People leave a job when it’s time to go home at the end of the night. I go into my room half sleeping, waiting for someone to knock on my door, or call my phone, or to hear a ruckus out on the street that causes me to worry if everything is all right.

I used to think of a job in terms of the vocation God had for me. My job was going to be where I spread His light to the world. Somewhere that He had called me to and therefore would give me the graces to succeed and be His living hands. I thought of this job in terms of what I would be doing. I believe that I would be going home at the end of the night able to let loose and be me instead of Him. I’ve been in positions of ministry where I can lead a bible study for an hour, maybe go get a bite to eat with the participants and then return home to forget about everything and bury my mind in useless social networking or the latest episode on Hulu. I had no intentional community waiting for me at home so I had no need of acting the part of a Christian while I was there. I could be what I wanted to be.
I see now how much more I am called to. I don’t get to turn my Christianity on and off to not feel guilty watching the latest trash on T.V. I don’t get to be Christ’s hand when leading a bible study, but then be someone completely different when I go home at night. I can’t just love the people it’s easy for me to love and minister to the people I want to minister to. I’m called to love everyone and respect everyone. No judgments.

This job is not a job. It’s a lifestyle. It’s being a Christian in every moment of every day. No exceptions.
It means loving these girls not only when they say cute things or help me around the house. It’s loving them in their sarcastic times when they try my patience to the point of screaming. It’s loving them when they burn the bread I was planning on using for lunch. It’s caring for them when the shut down and decide they don’t want to speak to me for a week. It’s showing them Christ even when I’m up to the ceiling in bills, lost receipts for the monthly charges and bankcards that aren’t working. This job is difficult because I have finally realized that I am being called to so much more than just ministering to teens a couple of hours a week. I’m being called (and always have been called) to be Christ in every second, and that’s HARD. I fail daily. I do get upset when they burn the bread. And they have learned to push my buttons to the point of me retiring to my room for at least ten minutes. I do lock myself in my room the last few days of the month praying that they won’t knock on my door for fear of being impatient with them when they don’t deserve it (I finally realize why parents are the way they are when paying bills.). I fail daily, but He gives me the grace to keep going. He softens all of our hearts into a relationship with Him and then with one another that helps us to realize we are human. We fail, but we get back up and keep loving. 24/7.
This job? Being a Christian. It’s hard. It hurts sometimes. It never stops. I used to think it would, but being here has taught me that God, the world and myself need something much more than that.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” Mother Teresa.

Christmas letter- Reviewing the year

Peace and Greeting from Honduras!

I pray that this letter finds you in good health and good spirits as we prepare to celebrate the coming of our Lord. I had hoped to write this update on my journey here a year ago, but have not been able to find the words to write to you until recently.

I have told many people that I hope this was the hardest year I will ever have to go through and I would like to explain why. I was not prepared for the drastic change in sight, thoughts, emotions and heart that God had waiting for me here in Honduras. My thoughts in coming down were: I love children, I almost know Spanish and I want to serve. Never in a million year was I expecting to experience the range of emotions that comes with working in a children’s home and declaring “Place me where you need me!”

They did in fact place me where they needed me and it happened to be the last place I or anyone else pictured me: in a school. For anyone that knows me really well, you know that I have been ready to be out of the educational system since my second year in high school. I constantly felt God pulling me to what I felt was something more: something that I couldn’t learn from being in a classroom. As always when sure that I knew what God didn’t want me to do, it turned out to be exactly where he needed me. My year teaching Math, Computers and English was difficult to say the least (My students would most likely have some other choice words).  After many lessons learned (more by me than the kids, I’m sure), we all made it out alive with only a few scraped knees. All seven of my ninth graders made it through, and most of them will be able to continue their studies. In Honduras only a sixth grade education is required, so graduating from the ninth grade is already a huge accomplishment. Please continue to pray for all of our children in our K-9 school. Living in a rural part of an undeveloped country brings challenges that I would have never been able to fathom while in the United States. We hope that by providing these children an education we are not only supplying them with knowledge that will help them later in life but also providing them with a space in which they feel safe, where there are people that they know care for them. I feel so blessed to have been able to meet so many children this year that have truly changed my way of thinking and of seeing the world.

Although I may be eternally grateful for them, I’m sure many of my students were relieved when they heard that I would be switching jobs for my second year in Honduras. A few months ago I was asked by Direction to be in charge of the girls apartment of our Phase II program. What this basically means is that I moved 3 hours away from the rest of the Farm of the Child to live in the city of La Ceiba with three lovely seventeen year-old girls. In an adjacent apartment my male counterpart, David, is living with three teenage boys. (If only David and I were about 20 years older we could be mistaken for the Brady Bunch!) It has been over a month now that I have lived in La Ceiba, and I must say, “mom duty” suites me a little bit better than teacher duty. (I think it may have to do with being left in an empty kitchen to make all the bread my heart could desire.) The girls, pictured in the attached photo, are three very unique and beautiful teenagers. I have already called my parents many times to beg their forgiveness for being the youngest of three teenage daughters that they had to live with for multiple years. Although they may be the most mature seventeen year-olds you will find, they are still teenagers and have their fair share of moments. (As do I, being a 22 year-old. Our moments simply manifest themselves in different ways) In the short month that I have been here I have already felt so blessed to be the person waiting for them when they come home from school. I am the one here to hear about the bad day at work. I have the privilege of making their lunch everyday, and making sure that all of their schedules are in order. I get to surprise them with Coke and extra-buttery popcorn when I know it’s been a bad day. I get to interpret the many different forms of scoffing that is the answer to most of the questions that I ask. I am the last person they will live with from the Farm of the Child. Next year each of my girls, Nolvia, Nelly and Marina, will be graduating from high school and will the leaving the Farm of the Child to enter into Phase III (real life). Each one of us will require an overabundance of prayers this year but I am more than certain that God knew what He was doing when he brought us into each other’s lives. I am overjoyed to be able to have the opportunity to be in these girl’s lives in such a profound way.

I would like to thank each and every one of you for being in my life and helping me on the path that led me here. If it had not been for the love and encouragement that I have received from all of you, my family and friends, I know that I would never have been able to witness the beautiful miracles that take place here.

Blessings all over you,

Sara DePhillips                                     

Pictured: (Left to Right) Top: Nolvia, Angel David, Arturo

Bottom: David, Marina, Nelly, Sara 

Not Pictured: Wilmer and Carlos (recently moved to Phase III)

Computer Class

Computer class:

This year I am the computer teacher to 1^st through 9^th grade here at the Finca del Nino. Although this has been the class that has brought the most headaches, it has also been the class in which I am able to interact with every child in the school.

Here are some stories that I have gathered throughout the year that might bring a smile to your face:

Computer class starts in 1^st grade, so many students hadn’t even seen a computer until the first day of 1^st grade. I was began by explaining the different parts of a computer: the keyboard (teclado), the monitor (monitor), and the mouse (el raton). One of out more imaginative first graders here of the Finca, Cati, let out a huge “EPALEH” (The equivalent to “WHOAH”). She then proceeded to put the “raton” very close to her face and talk to it saying, “We are going to be friends!” It helped that it is one of those mice that turn red when you touch it- so I’m close to certain that she truly believed it was alive.

Cati working on the computer

In this first grade class Cati’s best friend Jensi also brings many smiles. One afternoon they were working on an addition game on the computer. She was having extreme difficulties trying to add 3+3. I told her to try using her fingers, showing her my two hands with three fingers held up on each one. I left her with that knowledge and went to attend to the rest of the class. A few minutes later, I looked over and Jensi was still having troubles. For some reason, she was not able to hold up three fingers on both hands and count at the same time. When I looked over, one of her hands with 3 fingers was in her mouth, as she was trying to count with the other hand (three fingers still held up). In the end, I allowed her to use MY fingers.

My last precious story comes from just this past week. The third graders were allowed free time on the computers. One little girl (the smallest in the class) decided to use Encarta in her free time. As she started to look up meningitis, I assumed that there was an assignment that they had to do for another class. It’s normally a good indicator though if other people are doing the same thing. When I looked around and saw that no one else was working on this assignment, I had to ask.
“Mercy, is this an assignment for school?”
“No.” She said.
“Then why are you looking up the vaccine for meningitis?”
She looked at me with a big smile. “I want to look it up for my mom. My grandma has meningitis and she needs to get better”

Please continue to keep these children in your prayers as you can be sure that you are in theirs!

Culture Shock?

One of the first questions many people asked when they first saw me in the States was, “How are you adjusting? Do you have culture shock?”
I smiled to myself and laughed thinking about how it was almost the opposite.
I was overwhelmed, yes, but not because I was in “culture shock”.  I was in shock of the love and generosity that surrounded my when I was in the United States. So many people concerned not only for my well being, but the well being of the children that I serve here on the Farm.

My first overwhelming experience came my first weekend home at my cousins wedding. It was so wonderful to see my entire family right when I came home. They showered me with love in the form of food, drink, and hugs. (Warm showers as well!) One of the biggest shows of love that I have seen to this date though came at the wedding. The actually ceremony so beautifully celebrated the Sacrament of Marriage, and it was so clear that my cousin Mary and her now husband Justin are truly going to bring the presence of God to this world and to their children. This in itself brought me to tears, as this Sacrament is rarely celebrated here in Honduras. For one reason or another, marriage is almost unheard of here. If men remain in the family they don’t have a wife, but rather a “woman”. Most children here have never known their fathers, and if they do, it may have been better if they hadn’t. The Finca is blessed to know a handful of men who have remained faithful and good to their families- but they are the exception. So, to be able to witness this beautiful Sacrament with a couple that I know will be a wonderful witness of the Holy Family truly brought me to tears.

Of course my cousins wouldn’t allow from relief from those tears for the rest of the night. I had been bragging to my community members about how wonderful my cousin and her fiancé were for some time and how excited I was about being at their wedding. This may have been the understatement of the year.
As soon as I walked in to their reception, I saw this sign: 

 

I am still in awe of the selfless love this couple has. That even in the midst of their wedding day they continue to pour out their love and generosity on others. That they were thinking for and praying for and giving to the children at the Farm of the Child while planning their wedding… I have no words to even describe what that means to me, and to all of us here. It’s so encouraging to see the way that God’s love manifests itself in others.

Many people were expecting me to be in culture shock when I returned due to what some see as a selfish society, but I can honestly say that I saw the opposite. I saw people wanted to give of themselves, their love, their money, and their time. Some people not knowing how, but really truly seeking a way, and truly caring for others in this world less fortunate than themselves.

That’s not to say that I wasn’t overwhelmed by how many iphones exist as well, but I was by far more overwhelmed by the love that exists in those I know, and the potential each person has to make a difference with that love that God has given them.

Surprise!

A ¨normal¨week at the Farm:
Monday I wake up around 5:45, sometimes earlier if I´m willing to brave the cold shower that early. We have a small morning prayer in our house at 5:45, and then head to the chapel for community morning prayer.  Breakfast at 6:30, and I´m running out the door to make it to the school by 7. School lasts until around 1 and we have a teacher meeting until 1:30. At the very latest, food is in my stomach by 2, and I´m taking a quick break/ planning girl scouts for the week because it starts at 3:30. After girl scouts I take the girl back home and walk over to the chapel for English Communion Service at 5. Dinner is served at 6, with a community night following at 7. After community night, I like to just sit in the ¨living room¨ for a little bit to relax. Finally to bed, and Tuesday hits you all over again in the same way. After school on Tuesday, my only activity is Study hour for the kids at 3:30, so there is a little more time to breathe and plan for the coming classes.
On Wednesday, same routine all over again, early morning, school, grumpy children, annoyed teacher, head home, start cooking dinner. So when I checked my phone on Wednesday afternoon after a week already full of activities to a message from my dad saying that by some miracle he would be arriving in Honduras tomorrow (Thursday), my heart was OVERJOYED.

He found out Tuesday night that an adult that had already made the trip with my church was needed, and had offered to be that adult. The only problem: He was headed down to Jultigalpa which was approximately a 9 hour bus ride from where I am. (In the states, probably 2 hours, but it´s dirt roads the whole way) A nine hour bus ride was not going to stop me from seeing the greatest father in the world that I had not seen in 9 months.

SO. Very calmly (After spilling hot oil on myself) I explained to everyone what was going on, and my community VERY graciously helped me get all of my classes and meals and activities covered, AND one of the Sisters said she would travel with me (We can´t travel alone due to safety reasons) because my church just HAPPENS to work with and beside their Motherhouse. Lets just say, God was truly working to provide me the opportunity to spend a week in the country I love, with the people I love, serving in the way that I know how. It was truly more of a blessing than I could have ever even prayed for. God truly knows much better than we ever could that which He has planned for us.
I´m so greatful for the whole Holy Family team that was down here loving on the Honduran people, and SO SO grateful to the whole Hayes family that ochestrated the trip,and made seenig my father possible. They have all been a second family to me and supported me so much in my journey both here and at home, and I´m so grateful that God has placed them in my life.




In other news, I will be heading back to the states in two weeks for my first stateside vacation! It will be SO great to see family again. Please continue to keep everyone here in your prayers!
Stay tuned for some very special annoucements about next year in a blog soon to come.

Love you all, and praying for you all as my brothers and sisters in Christ,
Sara

Vacation

I'm on vacation for the weekend in La Ceiba. Today I woke up, washed my clothes in a laundry machine for the first time in 7 months. (My pants now fit again!) Made breakfast (and lunch) for 1. I watched some reruns of the office, talked to friends and family, and updated myself on whats going on in the world. By the time 12 p.m. hit, I had come to the conclusion that I already miss the Farm, and truly do love the work that I've been called to here.

I was so excited to be in La Ceiba this weekend to take a vacation from being a teacher, a community member, a girl scout leader, and so many other things that we are called to be at the Farm but I come to realize that although life is hard, and messy, and I honestly don't know what I'm doing most of the time- I'm more fulfilled being busy and stressed and lost while doing God's work than I am trying to live any other life. I don't want to make breakfast for 1 when there are other mouths to feed. Sometimes those mouths won't let you know that they appreciate you, but their presence is enough. I don't want to sit around and trying to educate myself about the many world problems, when I know them already, and my time can be used trying to solve them rather than letting them consume me. I don't want to do nothing when I have so clearly been called to do something. Doing nothing leaves me well rested with clothes that fit, but doing something leaves me with so much more: It leaves me with love. It leaves me fulfilled- knowing that this life here means nothing, but we are still called to strive for Heaven on Earth. It leaves me in Unity with Christ.

"You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." Matthew 10: 22

Although the teenagers are still angsty and incredibly difficult to deal with sometimes, I love them with a love that's God's.

And what's an even bigger miracle is that when I'm angsty and difficult to deal with everyday- they too show me that same love.

"We love because He first loved us" 1 John 4:19

Cute story for the month:

Kate a fellow missionary teacher was teaching the 3rd graders about space one of the children asked how the planets stay up there. After giving them the proper answer that they probably didn't understand- one of our children raised his hand and said "That's not it! God uses His hands to hold them up! Each planet is on one of his fingers- and there are two for pluto!"